What I didn't love was all the sucky "adulting" stuff. The paperwork, reports, death by powerpoint, accountancy and working 16+ hour days (some days 3 days straight to deliver the job on site) my partner nagging me to come to bed but knowing i HAD to get this spreadsheet done because i'd left it to the last minute.

Personally I felt stuck, paralyzed in a number of personal and work situations, trapped by my own choices.

It lead to disconnecting from my family and toxic communication whenever there was any, falling into addictive patterns of behavior and eventually the loss of my marriage, my company, my home & my dog......

It really is the lyrics of any good country song!

When I did finally get to bed I was kept awake by the voices in my head playing the dreaded "what if" greatest hits.

What if I had done this instead of that, what if I had just walked away.

The B side of that album was "you're an idiot", "you aren't worthy of any of the good things that have been happening".

The constant frustration, anger, sadness, the absolute unbridled chaos I caused because I felt like I had nowhere to turn to was unreal, I hurt those closest to me, and created more regret. So strong were these feelings I even tried to take my own life.

My started going to doctors for drugs, then therapy (for nearly 10 years), trying to get someone else to fix me. I would attend weekend seminars in far flung lands and hear people shout and swear on stage at huge hotels and hype me up then leave me reeling with nowhere to go. Then I would crash back to my reality, it totally sucked.